A Brief Translation of E-Mails to my Thesis Director

gibson3e-mail : “I promise I won’t do this last minute!”
translation : I’m totally doing this last minute.

e-mail : “So far I have written # pages!”
translation : So far I have written (# – 3) pages.

e-mail : “It’s almost done!”
translation : I totally haven’t started.

e-mail : “I apologize if the formatting is strange.”
translation : I’m too broke to afford Microsoft Office.

e-mail : “I’ve been doing a lot of research!”
translation : I browsed the index of a book and then got distracted by the self-deprecating articles on Thought Catalog.

e-mail : “I’m willing to stay an extra semester if you don’t think I’m prepared to defend.”
translation : I’d rather set myself on fire than stay here another semester.

email : “Thank you so much for your patience.”
translation : Screw teacher evaluations, how can I nominate you to sainthood?

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